gusto kong bumait pero di ko magawa ( i want to be good but i can't)

<< the devil wears fur

the title bites yes! it sounds like andrew e. oh no no.

but the phrase has been toying with my mind the whole day, hence the title for this post. i just had to blog, i love my hectic work schedule awhile ago. i did not even feel the time pass by. i had to make phone calls, update and edit websites, read the newspapers, fax, do some report, i love it, really. it takes my mind off from more difficult things to think of like the abstract of love (yeah yeah), what is becoming of myself, should i go back to school, should i save, should i be on a diet, when can i ever have my own baby, is he the right person to begin with, and the list goes on.

just like shopping, work is like ibuprofen which i also love popping in my mouth. my co-workers have warned me from taking pain killers because it causes kidney stones. ibuprofen is like a muscle relaxant, a novocane, an anesthecia for pain. (forgive me if i spell some words wrong)

that's why i do all the things i do, maybe to forget some of the ugly realities in life. and i think im not being good because of this. i spend a lot, im still naughty (my co-workers can vouch for this), i don't save my salary, i hate and love my partner at the same time, i dont trust people, and i am very incontented with what i have. i have all this evil plans in my head and they are just waiting to crawl out of good lil me.

there is this one person that pushes me to prove something that i do not want to prove. one said to the duck, nobody else would want you and what is this duck to do? of course, to prove otherwise and swim away, show its shiny feathers and its crown to others.

i sound like im on drugs ahahahaha. it's just that i am a very sensitive person. and me and my other friends agree, even my boss, that a joke has always a meaning to it. it's always half-meant. and worse, it comes from a person you thought would embrace all of you for who you are, and what you have and would not step on you like a doormat.